MLB Jam: NL Semi-Finals


It's not often we get to say those things in public, and this is about as close as we're gonna get. So even though we clearly cannot hear you (or...can we...?) we're going to assume that you're as excited for the Final Four of the MLB Jam tournament to be unveiled. So why waste time? Games to 21, 2's and 3's, call own fouls, and LLLLLLLEEEEETTTT'S GET REAAAADY TOOOOOO play basketball.

We really need a hype man.

Game 1: (1) Los Angeles Dodgers vs. (12) Houston Astros
Players: Matt Kemp/Jon Broxton vs. Michael Bourn/Evan Engelbrook

Can we tell you a brief story? We're not really sure if it's blog-appropriate, but it's very relevant, we assure you. Matt Kemp, a.k.a. the anchor of that Dodgers squad (seriously; we don't think we remember writing one thing about what Broxton did beyond 'being big'), dates Rihanna. And it was her birthday over the weekend. We're sure you know where this is going, but play along: guess what he got her for the occasion!

We'll wait.

Did you guess 'midget stripper?' Cause if you did, well, we like having you around these parts. We say this story is relevant because we don't really comme on dit 'like' the Astros, and so in lieu of a game recap, you get a midget in leather lingerie. Trust us, it's better this way. Dodgers win by virtue of midget.

Game 2: (3) Colorado Rockies vs. (2) Philadelphia Phillies
Players: Dexter Fowler/Greg Reynolds vs. Shane Victorino/Ryan Howard

Some bad blood between these squads, because not only did Shane not get Dexter a midget stripper for his birthday, but the Rox and Phils have met in the playoffs two of the past three years.

Somehow those are related.

ANYWAY, the two squads appear fairly evenly matched because Fowler/Victorino are analogs and Reynolds, while he has a height advantage on Howard, surrenders quite a bit in the weight department. And so but what was supposed to be a compelling match full of drama and competitive basketball quickly turns into bizarre theater as Carlos Gonzalez suits up in place of Fowler and runs roughshod over Victorino and Howard. Unfortunately, this is what we like to call 'unabashed and thorough violation of the sacred MLB Jam covenant' (our rulebook is a real fun read), and the Phils aren't about to let that go. By virtue of Howard saying 'Hey, that's not Dexter Fowler!' the Rockies are forced to forfeit their ill-gotten gains. So much for Rock-bruary! Phillies win by forfeit and the Rockies are cheaters.

Well, that was different! But, hey, we have a final four! And somehow the 1 and 2 seed from the NL have made it out unscathed. Mauer! Wieters! Howard! Midget Stri- Kemp! It's the MLB Jam Final Four!

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