ARE YOU READY?!
WE SAAAAAID, ARE YOU READY?!
WE CAN'T HEEEEEEAAR YOU!!!!!
It's not often we get to say those things in public, and this is about as close as we're gonna get. So even though we clearly cannot hear you (or...can we...?) we're going to assume that you're as excited for the Final Four of the MLB Jam tournament to be unveiled. So why waste time? Games to 21, 2's and 3's, call own fouls, and LLLLLLLEEEEETTTT'S GET REAAAADY TOOOOOO play basketball.
We really need a hype man.
Game 1: (1) Los Angeles Dodgers vs. (12) Houston Astros
Players: Matt Kemp/Jon Broxton vs. Michael Bourn/Evan Engelbrook
Can we tell you a brief story? We're not really sure if it's blog-appropriate, but it's very relevant, we assure you. Matt Kemp, a.k.a. the anchor of that Dodgers squad (seriously; we don't think we remember writing one thing about what Broxton did beyond 'being big'), dates Rihanna. And it was her birthday over the weekend. We're sure you know where this is going, but play along: guess what he got her for the occasion!
We'll wait.
Did you guess 'midget stripper?' Cause if you did, well, we like having you around these parts. We say this story is relevant because we don't really comme on dit 'like' the Astros, and so in lieu of a game recap, you get a midget in leather lingerie. Trust us, it's better this way. Dodgers win by virtue of midget.
Game 2: (3) Colorado Rockies vs. (2) Philadelphia Phillies
Players: Dexter Fowler/Greg Reynolds vs. Shane Victorino/Ryan Howard
Some bad blood between these squads, because not only did Shane not get Dexter a midget stripper for his birthday, but the Rox and Phils have met in the playoffs two of the past three years.
Somehow those are related.
ANYWAY, the two squads appear fairly evenly matched because Fowler/Victorino are analogs and Reynolds, while he has a height advantage on Howard, surrenders quite a bit in the weight department. And so but what was supposed to be a compelling match full of drama and competitive basketball quickly turns into bizarre theater as Carlos Gonzalez suits up in place of Fowler and runs roughshod over Victorino and Howard. Unfortunately, this is what we like to call 'unabashed and thorough violation of the sacred MLB Jam covenant' (our rulebook is a real fun read), and the Phils aren't about to let that go. By virtue of Howard saying 'Hey, that's not Dexter Fowler!' the Rockies are forced to forfeit their ill-gotten gains. So much for Rock-bruary! Phillies win by forfeit and the Rockies are cheaters.
Well, that was different! But, hey, we have a final four! And somehow the 1 and 2 seed from the NL have made it out unscathed. Mauer! Wieters! Howard! Midget Stri- Kemp! It's the MLB Jam Final Four!
2/22/10
2/18/10
MLB Jam: AL Semi-Finals
Oh boy, we're gettin to the quick now. 8 teams remain, including both 1 seeds and a couple of Cinderella stories in the (12) Houston Astros and (14) Baltimore Orioles. The backstopping darlings of the sabersphere (Wieters, Mauer) remain alive, to say nothing of the rangy (7) Mariners squad. SO! What will we see in today's action? Can Wieters and Mauer set the stage for a showdown that will surely be the end of us all? Will the Yankees continue their march of dominance? WE DON'T KNOW. Just kidding. We do. You don't. Yet. Games to 21, 2's and 3's, call own fouls and here...we...go.
Game 1: (1) New York Yankees vs. (5) Minnesota Twins
Players: Andrew Brackman/CC Sabathia vs. Joe Mauer/Pat Neshek
You know, the Yankees are a lot like the San Antonio Spurs in this business. We hope you'll ignore the cross-sport metaphor, considering that this whole thing is, you know, a cross-sport deal. In any event, they've got the David Robinson/Tim Duncan twin towers combo, their navy and white is more or less analogous to the Spurs' black and silver, and a title win by either feels more like a preordained event more than cause for celebration. It's a methodical march for these folks. So but then you can imagine the surprise when Sabathia goes all Tim Duncan and shoots 4-23 in a stunning display of selfishness and ineptitude considering that this is a game to 21. Sorry, boys, but you'll have to do better to beat Joe Mauer (the Kobe Bryant in the Yankees-Spurs analogy). Twins win, 21-17.
Game 2: (14) Baltimore Orioles vs. (7) Seattle Mariners
Players: Matt Wieters/Brian Matusz vs. Franklin Gutierrez/Milton Bradley
It's not too often that a 14/7 matchup features such elite talents. Neither team is to be trifled with, which we know is supposed to be said about all teams, but, well, some teams really suck (hi, KC!). But any team with Matt Wieters is a force, and any team featuring Franklin 'Death to Flying Things Jr.' Gutierrez is going to be a very tough out. So while they're low seeds, this isn't exactly an upset special - and neither team's trademarks of victory are going to work as well here. The chemistry between the Baltimore battery mates is impenetrable to Bradley's mercurial (we're legally required to say that word in any post where Bradley's name appears) nature, but the superb natural talents of Wieters is neutralized somewhat by Gutierrez's superhuman range around the court. The teams duel to an epic standstill - and at 50-50, both teams have had enough. So you know what's coming, of course: a shooting contest to determine the winner (no dunking). But after even that proves ineffective (it went on for hours and, while incredible to watch, also got repetitive), the teams decide that a sudden death point will win. They have a jump ball to determine who gets it first, which the Orioles win. Unfortunately for the Mariners, Bradley then tears an ACL arguing to the referee about the unfairness of the jump ball. Ironically, since we call our own fouls, Bradley was the ref - and, in fact, threw the jump ball in the first place. Poor guy. Orioles win, but we lost track of the score.
Oh, like there was any way we weren't going to have Mauer and Wieters facing off. Come on! Most exciting 5/14 matchup ever? Most exciting 5/14 matchup ever. Bracket time!
Game 1: (1) New York Yankees vs. (5) Minnesota Twins
Players: Andrew Brackman/CC Sabathia vs. Joe Mauer/Pat Neshek
You know, the Yankees are a lot like the San Antonio Spurs in this business. We hope you'll ignore the cross-sport metaphor, considering that this whole thing is, you know, a cross-sport deal. In any event, they've got the David Robinson/Tim Duncan twin towers combo, their navy and white is more or less analogous to the Spurs' black and silver, and a title win by either feels more like a preordained event more than cause for celebration. It's a methodical march for these folks. So but then you can imagine the surprise when Sabathia goes all Tim Duncan and shoots 4-23 in a stunning display of selfishness and ineptitude considering that this is a game to 21. Sorry, boys, but you'll have to do better to beat Joe Mauer (the Kobe Bryant in the Yankees-Spurs analogy). Twins win, 21-17.
Game 2: (14) Baltimore Orioles vs. (7) Seattle Mariners
Players: Matt Wieters/Brian Matusz vs. Franklin Gutierrez/Milton Bradley
It's not too often that a 14/7 matchup features such elite talents. Neither team is to be trifled with, which we know is supposed to be said about all teams, but, well, some teams really suck (hi, KC!). But any team with Matt Wieters is a force, and any team featuring Franklin 'Death to Flying Things Jr.' Gutierrez is going to be a very tough out. So while they're low seeds, this isn't exactly an upset special - and neither team's trademarks of victory are going to work as well here. The chemistry between the Baltimore battery mates is impenetrable to Bradley's mercurial (we're legally required to say that word in any post where Bradley's name appears) nature, but the superb natural talents of Wieters is neutralized somewhat by Gutierrez's superhuman range around the court. The teams duel to an epic standstill - and at 50-50, both teams have had enough. So you know what's coming, of course: a shooting contest to determine the winner (no dunking). But after even that proves ineffective (it went on for hours and, while incredible to watch, also got repetitive), the teams decide that a sudden death point will win. They have a jump ball to determine who gets it first, which the Orioles win. Unfortunately for the Mariners, Bradley then tears an ACL arguing to the referee about the unfairness of the jump ball. Ironically, since we call our own fouls, Bradley was the ref - and, in fact, threw the jump ball in the first place. Poor guy. Orioles win, but we lost track of the score.
Oh, like there was any way we weren't going to have Mauer and Wieters facing off. Come on! Most exciting 5/14 matchup ever? Most exciting 5/14 matchup ever. Bracket time!
2/11/10
MLB Jam: NL Round 2
Sorry for the delay, folks. Let's pretend that it's because of...snowstorms! Yeah, that's it. No one could make it out to the court because there was just too much snow. Happens, y'know? In any event, let's get hoppin to make up for the delay. As always, games to 21, win by 2, 2's and 3's, call own fouls.
Game 1: (1) Los Angeles Dodgers vs. (9) Milwaukee Brewers
Players: Matt Kemp/Jon Broxton vs. Carlos Gomez/Yovani Gallardo
The famed OF/RHP combinations butt heads here, and like with the Brewers' first-round matchup, it really comes down to whether or not Carlos Gomez can use his speed to beat the burly Kemp/Broxton duo. Unfortunately, Kemp is far faster than Carlos Zambrano or Sean Marshall, and Jon Broxton...is a large man. Gallardo is effective from deep since Broxton can't close out on him, but Kemp shuts down Gomez and scores on a few sweet alley-oops. Dodgers win, 22-16.
Game 2: (4) St. Louis Cardinals vs. (12) Houston Astros
Players: Albert Pujols/Adam Wainwright vs. Michael Bourn/Evan Engelbrook
Oddsmakers loved the Cardinals before this one (what, what we have to make money off this somehow), by virtue of Mr. Pujols. But Michael Bourn had more success than Carlos Gomez with the speed game, since Matt Kemp is more fleet of foot than Pujols. The 6'9'' Engelbrook held it down on the blocks, blocking Wainwright time and time again, and a cold streak from Pujols saw his team down double digits early. But they came roaring back on the strength of a few three-pointers and timely boards to tie the game at 19. All the momentum was on the Cards' side...until Bourn crossed Pujols out of his shoes and hit a pretty finger roll for the shocking clincher. Astros win, 21-19.
Game 3: (3) Colorado Rockies vs. (11) San Diego Padres
Players: Dexter Fowler/Greg Reynolds vs. David Eckstein/Kyle Blanks
The Padres established themselves as a duo that was not to be trifled with in the wake of their 6/11 upset, and things started well for them again when Eckstein dove for consecutive loose balls and hit Blanks in the post for a quick four points. It was then that the Rockies realized the key to beating the Padres was simply to not let the ball hit the ground, thereby denying Eckstein the chance to show off his grit and determination. The Padres would never score again, and Greg Reynolds scored the last point after yo-yoing the ball over Eckstein's head like a cat toy. Because Greg's a dick. Rockies win, 21-4.
Game 4: (10) Cincinnati Reds vs. (2) Philadelphia Phillies
Players: Danny Ray-Herrera/Willy Taveras/Chris Sabo vs. Shane Victorino/Ryan Howard
The weirdness continues for the Reds, who, as you may remember, were forced to play sans Taveras and plus Sabo last round. Oddly, this worked, but after some hushed discussions and a few dollars changing hands, it was ruled that Sabo was ineligible as well, since he's as much a Red as Taveras. So Dr. H (get it??) had to go it alone, which wouldn't be so bad if he weren't 5'6'' in his Reebok Pumps (he's an old school doctor). Victorino and Howard make short work of the minute medicine man, but let's all consider it a victory for him that Herrera managed to throw one down over Howard's head. Sure, he was on Victorino's shoulders, but it was still touching. Phillies win, 21-2.
Well now if you don't think that was thrilling, you don't have a pulse. Never mind the fact that losing teams scored a combined 6 points in the last two games, if you don't mind - what matters is that we're down to the Elite 8 (trademarked? No? Good.) (but if it is, don't tell us). Not long to go now, folks! Allow us to play you out with the updated bracket:
Game 1: (1) Los Angeles Dodgers vs. (9) Milwaukee Brewers
Players: Matt Kemp/Jon Broxton vs. Carlos Gomez/Yovani Gallardo
The famed OF/RHP combinations butt heads here, and like with the Brewers' first-round matchup, it really comes down to whether or not Carlos Gomez can use his speed to beat the burly Kemp/Broxton duo. Unfortunately, Kemp is far faster than Carlos Zambrano or Sean Marshall, and Jon Broxton...is a large man. Gallardo is effective from deep since Broxton can't close out on him, but Kemp shuts down Gomez and scores on a few sweet alley-oops. Dodgers win, 22-16.
Game 2: (4) St. Louis Cardinals vs. (12) Houston Astros
Players: Albert Pujols/Adam Wainwright vs. Michael Bourn/Evan Engelbrook
Oddsmakers loved the Cardinals before this one (what, what we have to make money off this somehow), by virtue of Mr. Pujols. But Michael Bourn had more success than Carlos Gomez with the speed game, since Matt Kemp is more fleet of foot than Pujols. The 6'9'' Engelbrook held it down on the blocks, blocking Wainwright time and time again, and a cold streak from Pujols saw his team down double digits early. But they came roaring back on the strength of a few three-pointers and timely boards to tie the game at 19. All the momentum was on the Cards' side...until Bourn crossed Pujols out of his shoes and hit a pretty finger roll for the shocking clincher. Astros win, 21-19.
Game 3: (3) Colorado Rockies vs. (11) San Diego Padres
Players: Dexter Fowler/Greg Reynolds vs. David Eckstein/Kyle Blanks
The Padres established themselves as a duo that was not to be trifled with in the wake of their 6/11 upset, and things started well for them again when Eckstein dove for consecutive loose balls and hit Blanks in the post for a quick four points. It was then that the Rockies realized the key to beating the Padres was simply to not let the ball hit the ground, thereby denying Eckstein the chance to show off his grit and determination. The Padres would never score again, and Greg Reynolds scored the last point after yo-yoing the ball over Eckstein's head like a cat toy. Because Greg's a dick. Rockies win, 21-4.
Game 4: (10) Cincinnati Reds vs. (2) Philadelphia Phillies
Players: Danny Ray-Herrera/
The weirdness continues for the Reds, who, as you may remember, were forced to play sans Taveras and plus Sabo last round. Oddly, this worked, but after some hushed discussions and a few dollars changing hands, it was ruled that Sabo was ineligible as well, since he's as much a Red as Taveras. So Dr. H (get it??) had to go it alone, which wouldn't be so bad if he weren't 5'6'' in his Reebok Pumps (he's an old school doctor). Victorino and Howard make short work of the minute medicine man, but let's all consider it a victory for him that Herrera managed to throw one down over Howard's head. Sure, he was on Victorino's shoulders, but it was still touching. Phillies win, 21-2.
Well now if you don't think that was thrilling, you don't have a pulse. Never mind the fact that losing teams scored a combined 6 points in the last two games, if you don't mind - what matters is that we're down to the Elite 8 (trademarked? No? Good.) (but if it is, don't tell us). Not long to go now, folks! Allow us to play you out with the updated bracket:
2/4/10
MLB Jam: AL Round 2
Well we're through a full round of action in the vaunted MLB Jam tournament, so the field's starting to get whittled down (as opposed to the tournaments where more teams join as it goes on). Today is the first time that our top 2 seeds in the AL will get to take the court, as the Yankees and Angels were off cooling their heels while their potential opponents scrapped to the bitter end. Will they be too rusty to play up to their lofty ranking? ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT! You know the rules by now - games to 21, 2's and 3's, win by 2, call own fouls AND WE'RE OFF.
Game 1: (1) New York Yankees vs. (8) Tampa Bay Rays
Players: Andrew Brackman/CC Sabathia vs. Carl Crawford/Jeff Niemann
The Yankees have an enormous size advantage here, as Brackman is somewhere from 6'10'' - 7'0'' and Sabathia is...well, girthy. Crawford's the only real speedster on the court, though, so the Rays have that going for them. Unfortunately, it's not enough, as Sabathia displays the vaunted fat-guy-at-the-Y accuracy from deep that even today boggles the minds of our top scientific minds (or maybe just us) and goes on a 3-point spree that buries any hope the Rays had of upsetting the old guard. Yankees win, 21-12.
Game 2: (4) Texas Rangers vs. (5) Minnesota Twins
Players: Nelson Cruz/Elvis Andrus vs. Joe Mauer/Pat Neshek
Mauer Pauer, baby. The be-sideburned one celebrates the imminent signing of his 7 or 8 or 10 year deal by going buck wild on the formidable Rangers duo, nullifying the Rangers' significant size/athleticism advantages. There's just really nothing you can do when he decides to turn it on like that, we guess. And, like last time, Mr. Neshek is permitted by the graces of Mr. Mauer to score a bucket...but only one. Twins win, 21-8.
Game 3: (14) Baltimore Orioles vs. (11) Toronto Blue Jays
Players: Matt Wieters/Brian Matusz vs. Mark Rzepczynski/Jason Frasor
We don't know what it is about supremely talented young catchers that inspires so much fanbole, but we're totally buying in. Much like with the Mauer Pauer Hauer that was on display in Game 2, Matt Wieters takes it upon himself to thoroughly dominate the Jays, despite their basketball pedigree (Frasor's brother) and superior fitness (Sztep with Rzep) (we can't believe he's not made that a real venture yet. There's money to be had, Mark!), and the O's cruise to a victory. The Wieters/Mauer showdown can't be far! Orioles win, 21-11.
Game 4: (7) Seattle Mariners vs. (2) Los Angeles Angels
Players: Milton Bradley/Franklin Gutierrez vs. Jered Weaver/Reggie Willits
The Mariners got by in Round 1 by virtue of the fact that everyone was terrified to foul Milton Bradley and Franklin Gutierrez utilized his defensive wizardry to haul down rebounds and block shots by the metric ton (just kidding...we don't use the metric system here). And, well, Jered Weaver and Reggie Willits aren't exactly the type to mess with that formula. Weaver's got the height, but his surfer bro mentality relegates him to outside shots and soft D, while Willits' speed proves of minimal effectiveness since Weaver never lets him have the ball - much like Mike Scioscia never lets him play. Remember what we said about fake sports imitating real life? Yeah. It's a bitch, huh, Reggie? Mariners win, 21-16.
So after the top half of the bracket went all chalk on us, we have the pleasure of a 7/14 matchup in the 3rd round. Such things will happen when the seedings are established entirely independently of actual basketball talent, we suppose, but either way it's kind of neat. Anyway, it's time for the updated bracket, and you can expect the NL's 2nd round either tomorrow or Friday depending on how motivated we get.
Game 1: (1) New York Yankees vs. (8) Tampa Bay Rays
Players: Andrew Brackman/CC Sabathia vs. Carl Crawford/Jeff Niemann
The Yankees have an enormous size advantage here, as Brackman is somewhere from 6'10'' - 7'0'' and Sabathia is...well, girthy. Crawford's the only real speedster on the court, though, so the Rays have that going for them. Unfortunately, it's not enough, as Sabathia displays the vaunted fat-guy-at-the-Y accuracy from deep that even today boggles the minds of our top scientific minds (or maybe just us) and goes on a 3-point spree that buries any hope the Rays had of upsetting the old guard. Yankees win, 21-12.
Game 2: (4) Texas Rangers vs. (5) Minnesota Twins
Players: Nelson Cruz/Elvis Andrus vs. Joe Mauer/Pat Neshek
Mauer Pauer, baby. The be-sideburned one celebrates the imminent signing of his 7 or 8 or 10 year deal by going buck wild on the formidable Rangers duo, nullifying the Rangers' significant size/athleticism advantages. There's just really nothing you can do when he decides to turn it on like that, we guess. And, like last time, Mr. Neshek is permitted by the graces of Mr. Mauer to score a bucket...but only one. Twins win, 21-8.
Game 3: (14) Baltimore Orioles vs. (11) Toronto Blue Jays
Players: Matt Wieters/Brian Matusz vs. Mark Rzepczynski/Jason Frasor
We don't know what it is about supremely talented young catchers that inspires so much fanbole, but we're totally buying in. Much like with the Mauer Pauer Hauer that was on display in Game 2, Matt Wieters takes it upon himself to thoroughly dominate the Jays, despite their basketball pedigree (Frasor's brother) and superior fitness (Sztep with Rzep) (we can't believe he's not made that a real venture yet. There's money to be had, Mark!), and the O's cruise to a victory. The Wieters/Mauer showdown can't be far! Orioles win, 21-11.
Game 4: (7) Seattle Mariners vs. (2) Los Angeles Angels
Players: Milton Bradley/Franklin Gutierrez vs. Jered Weaver/Reggie Willits
The Mariners got by in Round 1 by virtue of the fact that everyone was terrified to foul Milton Bradley and Franklin Gutierrez utilized his defensive wizardry to haul down rebounds and block shots by the metric ton (just kidding...we don't use the metric system here). And, well, Jered Weaver and Reggie Willits aren't exactly the type to mess with that formula. Weaver's got the height, but his surfer bro mentality relegates him to outside shots and soft D, while Willits' speed proves of minimal effectiveness since Weaver never lets him have the ball - much like Mike Scioscia never lets him play. Remember what we said about fake sports imitating real life? Yeah. It's a bitch, huh, Reggie? Mariners win, 21-16.
So after the top half of the bracket went all chalk on us, we have the pleasure of a 7/14 matchup in the 3rd round. Such things will happen when the seedings are established entirely independently of actual basketball talent, we suppose, but either way it's kind of neat. Anyway, it's time for the updated bracket, and you can expect the NL's 2nd round either tomorrow or Friday depending on how motivated we get.
2/2/10
MLB Jam: NL 1st Round
After an action-packed first day of the epic tournament known far and wide as MLB Jam - and hopefully MLB Properties doesn't sue me for calling it that! - it's time for the senior circuit to have their day of first-round glory. And, hey, it comes on their 134th birthday! We've never been fond of postponing birthday celebrations, so let's get right to the hoopin' action. Games to 21, 2's and 3's, win by 2, call own fouls and we're off!
Game 1: (1) Los Angeles Dodgers vs. (16) Washington Nationals
Players: Matt Kemp/Jon Broxton vs. Adam Dunn/Nyjer Morgan
This game is probably the closest 1/16 matchup that's ever happened. You're essentially looking at the same team - Kemp and Morgan and Broxton and Dunn are essentially analogs. Morgan's got a big more speed than Kemp, but Broxton has a size (both height and weight) advantage on Dunn. Ultimately, though, we think Kemp channels some LeBron and drives the lane for a game-winner over Morgan. Dodgers win 21-19.
Game 2: (8) Chicago Cubs vs. (9) Milwaukee Brewers
Players: Carlos Zambrano/Sean Marshall vs. Carlos Gomez/Yovani Gallardo
Lots of Latin flavor in this matchup! Zambrano and Marshall are a fairly plodding group, while Gomez is one of the fastest players in the league. We think Gomez does a little A.I. impression, scampering all over the court underneath and around Big Z and Medium M. Yovani hits a three-ball here and there to keep them balanced, and the Brewers cruise. Brewers win 21-14.
Game 3: (4) St. Louis Cardinals vs. (13) New York Mets
Players: Albert Pujols/Adam Wainwright vs. Gary Matthews, Jr/Mike Pelfrey
Matthews is old and washed-up and Pelfrey is tall. Pujols is a Hall of Famer in his prime and Wainwright is tall. You can guess what happens here. Cardinals win 21-6.
Game 4: (5) San Francisco Giants vs. (12) Houston Astros
Players: Pablo Sandoval/Tim Lincecum vs. Michael Bourn/Evan Engelbrook
Shocking that the Giants pulled a 5 seed, we know. Also shocking is the inclusion of Engelbrook, whose existence remains unconfirmed to us. But if the man exists, he stands a whopping 6'8'', which we're fairly sure (we don't believe in research, so you can fact check this yourself) is taller than Sandoval and Lincecum put together. Plus, neither Sandoval nor Lincecum is capable of keeping up with Bourn's wheels. And, if you like cheap shot jokes, feel free to imagine Lincecum taking a mid-game smoke break then partaking in a team buffet with the Panda. Whether you do or not, the game doesn't go well for the Giants. Astros win, 21-10.
Game 5: (3) Colorado Rockies vs. (14) Arizona Diamondbacks
Players: Dexter Fowler/Greg Reynolds vs. Justin Upton/Dan Haren
Another matchup where the two teams are very even. Fowler and Upton are both uber-athletic guys, and Reynolds and Haren are both commanding post presences. Well, you know, for purposes of this game, they are. Buuut the Rockies do enjoy a size advantage here, with the 6'4'' Fowler and 6'7'' Reynolds both standing taller than their respective analogs, which is the difference in a tight contest. Rockies win, 21-17.
Game 6: (6) Florida Marlins vs. (11) San Diego Padres
Players: Josh Johnson/Sean West vs. Kyle Blanks/David Eckstein
The Marlins are, collectively, the tallest team in this contest by a long shot, with their guys measuring in at 6'7'' and 6'8'' respectgively. Blanks, however, is also 6'7'' and is relatively speedy for a 300 pounder. Plus...he's got an afro that clearly channels the spirit of Dr. J. Shockingly, the modestly-sized-if-we're-being-kind Eckstein grits and grinds and hustles his way to 15 of the team's 21 points, and dives for no fewer than 26 loose balls. What a gamer, that guy. Makes even us abandon the height favoritism we showed in just the last capsule we wrote. Padres win, 22-18.
Game 7: (7) Atlanta Braves vs. (10) Cincinnati Reds
Players: Tommy Hanson/Yunel Escobar vs. Danny Ray-Herrera/Willy Taveras/Chris Sabo
Ooof...and this is why you don't set lineups early. Since Taveras was traded - and DFA'd - yesterday, he is no longer eligible to play. But then! Just when DRH is getting ready to play singlehanded, who should walk through the door but Chris Sabo! The onetime Red with the goofy goggles, Sabo's inspiring entrance completely deflates the Braves squad - particularly since the goggles rend Sabo invincible to Escobar's mounting frustrations and cheap shots. Esco eventually storms off the court in anger, leaving Hanson to fend for himself. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't go well. Reds win, 21-11.
Game 8: (2) Philadelphia Phillies vs. (15) Pittsburgh Pirates
Players: Shane Victorino/Ryan Howard vs. Andrew McCutchen/Garrett Jones
Easily the most entertaining contest of the first round, Victorino and McCutchen trade running floaters and in the lane and dazzling moves on the perimeter while Howard and Jones counter with jump hooks, ferocious dunks, and powerfully swatted shots. Victorino earns his nickname in overtime, though, as the Hawaiian-bred baller flies over McCutchen's head for a posterizing finish to an epic battle. Phillies win, 30-27.
So let's check out that bracket now:
Lookin good! And a couple of big upsets, to boot - how 'bout that Eckstein fellow! First round MVP, eh? Tomorrow we'll have a couple of exciting divisional matchups in the AL side...can the upstart Rays topple the formidable Yankees? Can Seattle dethrone the Angels? We'll be on hand to tell you exactly what happens in those battles and more!
Game 1: (1) Los Angeles Dodgers vs. (16) Washington Nationals
Players: Matt Kemp/Jon Broxton vs. Adam Dunn/Nyjer Morgan
This game is probably the closest 1/16 matchup that's ever happened. You're essentially looking at the same team - Kemp and Morgan and Broxton and Dunn are essentially analogs. Morgan's got a big more speed than Kemp, but Broxton has a size (both height and weight) advantage on Dunn. Ultimately, though, we think Kemp channels some LeBron and drives the lane for a game-winner over Morgan. Dodgers win 21-19.
Game 2: (8) Chicago Cubs vs. (9) Milwaukee Brewers
Players: Carlos Zambrano/Sean Marshall vs. Carlos Gomez/Yovani Gallardo
Lots of Latin flavor in this matchup! Zambrano and Marshall are a fairly plodding group, while Gomez is one of the fastest players in the league. We think Gomez does a little A.I. impression, scampering all over the court underneath and around Big Z and Medium M. Yovani hits a three-ball here and there to keep them balanced, and the Brewers cruise. Brewers win 21-14.
Game 3: (4) St. Louis Cardinals vs. (13) New York Mets
Players: Albert Pujols/Adam Wainwright vs. Gary Matthews, Jr/Mike Pelfrey
Matthews is old and washed-up and Pelfrey is tall. Pujols is a Hall of Famer in his prime and Wainwright is tall. You can guess what happens here. Cardinals win 21-6.
Game 4: (5) San Francisco Giants vs. (12) Houston Astros
Players: Pablo Sandoval/Tim Lincecum vs. Michael Bourn/Evan Engelbrook
Shocking that the Giants pulled a 5 seed, we know. Also shocking is the inclusion of Engelbrook, whose existence remains unconfirmed to us. But if the man exists, he stands a whopping 6'8'', which we're fairly sure (we don't believe in research, so you can fact check this yourself) is taller than Sandoval and Lincecum put together. Plus, neither Sandoval nor Lincecum is capable of keeping up with Bourn's wheels. And, if you like cheap shot jokes, feel free to imagine Lincecum taking a mid-game smoke break then partaking in a team buffet with the Panda. Whether you do or not, the game doesn't go well for the Giants. Astros win, 21-10.
Game 5: (3) Colorado Rockies vs. (14) Arizona Diamondbacks
Players: Dexter Fowler/Greg Reynolds vs. Justin Upton/Dan Haren
Another matchup where the two teams are very even. Fowler and Upton are both uber-athletic guys, and Reynolds and Haren are both commanding post presences. Well, you know, for purposes of this game, they are. Buuut the Rockies do enjoy a size advantage here, with the 6'4'' Fowler and 6'7'' Reynolds both standing taller than their respective analogs, which is the difference in a tight contest. Rockies win, 21-17.
Game 6: (6) Florida Marlins vs. (11) San Diego Padres
Players: Josh Johnson/Sean West vs. Kyle Blanks/David Eckstein
The Marlins are, collectively, the tallest team in this contest by a long shot, with their guys measuring in at 6'7'' and 6'8'' respectgively. Blanks, however, is also 6'7'' and is relatively speedy for a 300 pounder. Plus...he's got an afro that clearly channels the spirit of Dr. J. Shockingly, the modestly-sized-if-we're-being-kind Eckstein grits and grinds and hustles his way to 15 of the team's 21 points, and dives for no fewer than 26 loose balls. What a gamer, that guy. Makes even us abandon the height favoritism we showed in just the last capsule we wrote. Padres win, 22-18.
Game 7: (7) Atlanta Braves vs. (10) Cincinnati Reds
Players: Tommy Hanson/Yunel Escobar vs. Danny Ray-Herrera/Willy Taveras/Chris Sabo
Ooof...and this is why you don't set lineups early. Since Taveras was traded - and DFA'd - yesterday, he is no longer eligible to play. But then! Just when DRH is getting ready to play singlehanded, who should walk through the door but Chris Sabo! The onetime Red with the goofy goggles, Sabo's inspiring entrance completely deflates the Braves squad - particularly since the goggles rend Sabo invincible to Escobar's mounting frustrations and cheap shots. Esco eventually storms off the court in anger, leaving Hanson to fend for himself. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't go well. Reds win, 21-11.
Game 8: (2) Philadelphia Phillies vs. (15) Pittsburgh Pirates
Players: Shane Victorino/Ryan Howard vs. Andrew McCutchen/Garrett Jones
Easily the most entertaining contest of the first round, Victorino and McCutchen trade running floaters and in the lane and dazzling moves on the perimeter while Howard and Jones counter with jump hooks, ferocious dunks, and powerfully swatted shots. Victorino earns his nickname in overtime, though, as the Hawaiian-bred baller flies over McCutchen's head for a posterizing finish to an epic battle. Phillies win, 30-27.
So let's check out that bracket now:
Lookin good! And a couple of big upsets, to boot - how 'bout that Eckstein fellow! First round MVP, eh? Tomorrow we'll have a couple of exciting divisional matchups in the AL side...can the upstart Rays topple the formidable Yankees? Can Seattle dethrone the Angels? We'll be on hand to tell you exactly what happens in those battles and more!
2/1/10
MLB Jam: Bracket and AL Round 1
Perhaps because we have entirely too much time on our hands or perhaps because, hey, who doesn't like brackets?, we've now made a bracket for the MLB Jam business we've been bandying on about around these parts. Seeding was determined based on the team's performance relative to their league; the Yankees, for example, are the 1 seed in the AL because they had the AL's best record. Oh, and they get a bye (as do the Angels) because there're 14 teams in the American League for reasons unbeknownst to us...but at least it's easier to make brackets for 14 and 16 team leagues instead of 15. Yikes. Can you even imagine? And then, of course, we're going to play out this imaginary tournament. Because that's how committed we are to our readers (especially the one from Korea! Hi!). Here're the AL's first 6 games, after which our shiny new bracket will be unveiled! Rules: games to 21, 2's and 3's, win by 2, call your own fouls. Whee!
Game 1: (8) Tampa Bay Rays vs. (9) Chicago White Sox
The players: Carl Crawford/Jeff Niemann vs. Brent Lillibridge and John Danks
It looks like this game features an egregious underseed in the Rays, who boast the athleticism of Carl Crawford and the 6'9''-ism of Jeff Niemann. Anyway, Niemann should easily handle Danks down low, but Lillibridge's strategy of falling over and calling a foul every time Crawford gets close to him keeps the Sox in the game...for awhile. Eventually, Crawford stops playing any offense whatsoever and just passes to Niemann for the easy buckets. Rays win, 21-16.
Game 2: (4) Texas Rangers vs. (13) Kansas City Royals
The players: Nelson Cruz/Elvis Andrus vs. Yuniesky Betancourt/Jason Kendall
Erm...it seems odd to call a team at 13 an overseed, but, well, we did sort of intentionally make them the worst pairing in the tournament. So, we mean, come on, who picks these seeds? The Rangers are small, but the Royals are bad. Fans of first-round upsets (see also: people who enjoy puppies and sunshine) should avoid their eyes. Rangers win, 21-2 (Yuni lucked into an easy putback, much the same way he's been lucking into major league employment).
Game 3: (5) Minnesota Twins vs. (12) Cleveland Indians
The players: Joe Mauer/Pat Neshek vs. Fausto Carmona/Justin Masterson
This game could be close despite the presence of Joe Mauer since the Indians boast a sizable size advantage. We need to pick our adjectives better. Anyway, Fausto's run at the point starts out looking promising, as he threads the needle with some gorgeous passes, and shows deadly accuracy from 3 point land. But then, in a tragic case of fake sports imitating real sports, his control goes horribly awry - and Justin Masterson alone is no match for Joe Mauer. And, yes, Pat Neshek managed to score some points - but only because Mauer encouraged him to so he wouldn't feel bad. Twins win, 21-15.
Game 4: (3) Boston Red Sox vs. (14) Baltimore Orioles
The players: Dustin Pedroia/Jacoby Ellsbury vs. Matt Wieters/Brian Matusz
The chemistry of Wieters and Matusz stands in stark contrast to the constant bickering happening on the Red Sox squad, as Ellsbury (presumably a decent human being) can't stand Pedroia. Their arguments are punctuated by Pedroia making an Indian joke at Ellsbury's expense, followed by Ellsbury firing a bullet pass at Pedroia's head. Since Pedroia can't catch up with the high-n-in fastball, the ball catches him squarely in the nose, and the game is promptly called so the court can be mopped up. Wieters saves his inevitable heroics for another day. Orioles win by default, 9-5.
Game 5: (6) Detroit Tigers vs. (11) Toronto Blue Jays
The players: Justin Verlander/Rick Porcello vs. Mark Rzepczynski/Jason Frasor
Hey, an all-pitcher battle! Neat! Porcello and Verlander are tall, but as pitchers, are barely even athletes. Jason Frasor, as a pitcher, is barely an athlete, but he's got the Bobby Frasor Basketball Blood (that's how these things work, right?) and Rzep of course, bucks the trend by being in phenomenal shape. Blue Jays win, 21-10.
Game 6: (7) Seattle Mariners vs. (10) Oakland A's
The players: Milton Bradley/Franklin Gutierrez vs. Jack Cust/Jerry Blevins
Bradley, as predicted, goes the entire game without being fouled once, since Cust and Blevins are both terrified of him. With Bradley free to drive the lane every time and Gutierrez corralling every rebound and tip and swatting shots left and right, the Mariners make this game is a laugher - especially when Cust stops to take a smoke break midway through the game. Hi-larious, we tell you. Mariners win, 21-4.
Not exactly the most exciting first round, but, hey, a 14 over a 3 always makes for good fun! Plus, we don't know about you, but the bracket just warms the heart anyway - which is certainly welcome in the frigid February days.
Game 1: (8) Tampa Bay Rays vs. (9) Chicago White Sox
The players: Carl Crawford/Jeff Niemann vs. Brent Lillibridge and John Danks
It looks like this game features an egregious underseed in the Rays, who boast the athleticism of Carl Crawford and the 6'9''-ism of Jeff Niemann. Anyway, Niemann should easily handle Danks down low, but Lillibridge's strategy of falling over and calling a foul every time Crawford gets close to him keeps the Sox in the game...for awhile. Eventually, Crawford stops playing any offense whatsoever and just passes to Niemann for the easy buckets. Rays win, 21-16.
Game 2: (4) Texas Rangers vs. (13) Kansas City Royals
The players: Nelson Cruz/Elvis Andrus vs. Yuniesky Betancourt/Jason Kendall
Erm...it seems odd to call a team at 13 an overseed, but, well, we did sort of intentionally make them the worst pairing in the tournament. So, we mean, come on, who picks these seeds? The Rangers are small, but the Royals are bad. Fans of first-round upsets (see also: people who enjoy puppies and sunshine) should avoid their eyes. Rangers win, 21-2 (Yuni lucked into an easy putback, much the same way he's been lucking into major league employment).
Game 3: (5) Minnesota Twins vs. (12) Cleveland Indians
The players: Joe Mauer/Pat Neshek vs. Fausto Carmona/Justin Masterson
This game could be close despite the presence of Joe Mauer since the Indians boast a sizable size advantage. We need to pick our adjectives better. Anyway, Fausto's run at the point starts out looking promising, as he threads the needle with some gorgeous passes, and shows deadly accuracy from 3 point land. But then, in a tragic case of fake sports imitating real sports, his control goes horribly awry - and Justin Masterson alone is no match for Joe Mauer. And, yes, Pat Neshek managed to score some points - but only because Mauer encouraged him to so he wouldn't feel bad. Twins win, 21-15.
Game 4: (3) Boston Red Sox vs. (14) Baltimore Orioles
The players: Dustin Pedroia/Jacoby Ellsbury vs. Matt Wieters/Brian Matusz
The chemistry of Wieters and Matusz stands in stark contrast to the constant bickering happening on the Red Sox squad, as Ellsbury (presumably a decent human being) can't stand Pedroia. Their arguments are punctuated by Pedroia making an Indian joke at Ellsbury's expense, followed by Ellsbury firing a bullet pass at Pedroia's head. Since Pedroia can't catch up with the high-n-in fastball, the ball catches him squarely in the nose, and the game is promptly called so the court can be mopped up. Wieters saves his inevitable heroics for another day. Orioles win by default, 9-5.
Game 5: (6) Detroit Tigers vs. (11) Toronto Blue Jays
The players: Justin Verlander/Rick Porcello vs. Mark Rzepczynski/Jason Frasor
Hey, an all-pitcher battle! Neat! Porcello and Verlander are tall, but as pitchers, are barely even athletes. Jason Frasor, as a pitcher, is barely an athlete, but he's got the Bobby Frasor Basketball Blood (that's how these things work, right?) and Rzep of course, bucks the trend by being in phenomenal shape. Blue Jays win, 21-10.
Game 6: (7) Seattle Mariners vs. (10) Oakland A's
The players: Milton Bradley/Franklin Gutierrez vs. Jack Cust/Jerry Blevins
Bradley, as predicted, goes the entire game without being fouled once, since Cust and Blevins are both terrified of him. With Bradley free to drive the lane every time and Gutierrez corralling every rebound and tip and swatting shots left and right, the Mariners make this game is a laugher - especially when Cust stops to take a smoke break midway through the game. Hi-larious, we tell you. Mariners win, 21-4.
Not exactly the most exciting first round, but, hey, a 14 over a 3 always makes for good fun! Plus, we don't know about you, but the bracket just warms the heart anyway - which is certainly welcome in the frigid February days.
1/25/10
MLB Jam: NL Edition
If you somehow managed to miss the first installation of this little feature, you can find it here. Or, you know, just scroll down. Either way. We'll wait.
Ok, now that you've memorized the AL rosters, let's jump in to the NL. Again, these teams are going to be the two individuals on each NL team who would best represent their club in a 2-on-2 basketball showdown.
NL East
Atlanta Braves: Tommy Hanson and Yunel Escobar
NL Central
Chicago Cubs: Carlos Zambrano and Sean Marshall
Arizona Diamondbacks: Justin Upton and Dan Haren
So there you have it. We've got all the rosters, so clearly soon it's time for the games to begin.
We really need Spring Training to start soon.
Ok, now that you've memorized the AL rosters, let's jump in to the NL. Again, these teams are going to be the two individuals on each NL team who would best represent their club in a 2-on-2 basketball showdown.
NL East
Atlanta Braves: Tommy Hanson and Yunel Escobar
- Hanson checks in at 6'6'', 220, so he'll be the muscle on the team. Escobar has a reputation for being a bit of a firebrand that doesn't much get along with people, so he'll be the aggressive, Kobe-style player. Competitive streaks like that can mean a lot in 2-on-2. And, yes, we fully expect this team to lose in the first game.
- The Marlins are going to go with the Two Towers approach. Johnson (6'7'', 250) and West (6'8'', 240) are two of the biggest players in this tournament. Hard to beat that kind of size - and that's leaving off 6'8'' Chris Volstad as well.
- Sarge the younger has (had?) serious hops and Pelfrey is 6'7''. We felt it important to go with Pelfrey here since there's a decent chance that a team with Matthews and Jose Reyes would lose by default after both players got hurt five points into the first game.
- The Flyin' Hawaiian runs the point and Howard bangs in the post. Simple enough - but we also feel like Brad Lidge should be tabbed for any and all potentially game-winning shots.
- If we're going to keep up with the admittedly rather absurd notion that strong outfield defense translates to good floor skills on the hardwood, then Morgan is an obvious choice. And Dunn, of course, is the polar opposite. Hopefully for his sake this is a halfcourt game so he doesn't have to move too terribly much.
NL Central
Chicago Cubs: Carlos Zambrano and Sean Marshall
- Big Z could easily turn into a regrettable pick if he starts doing his pointing-to-the-sky thing after every good play he makes, but he's a good, hefty athlete. Marshall is 6'7'', which at this point is starting to seem like an automatic qualification, but there doesn't appear to be much in the way of guard-sized talent on this team. We're sure the Cubs would love to sign Alfonso Soriano up for this with the hope that he'd get hurt and they could void his contract.
- We've got the Reds going super small here; Ray-Herrera is listed at 5'6'' which means he's probably even shorter, and Taveras is right around 6'0''. But we're hoping for some Bogues/Webb-esque magic from R-H, and Taveras' speed and defensive abilities are a clear plus. They're gonna have to be dynamite on offense, though, to keep up with the teams that are going to score at will in the paint.
- In the interest of transparency, we'd never heard of Evan Englebrook until we checked the 'Stros 40-man roster. But, well, he's 6'8'', so we're going to assume that failing any non-baseball athletic gifts, he can at least stand in the way of, say, a 5'6'' dude. Bourn is on this squad for his excellent speed, much like Willy Taveras, the man he's replaced in center field for Houston.
- Gomez is fast, and Gallardo gets the nod because the tall guys don't seem like good options and I like him. Whatever. This is an awful team. You can get 1000/1 odds that Paris Hilton will be elected President in 2012 - you've got a better chance of winning that bet than riding these guys for a championship appearance.
- McCutchen is a phenomenal talent, and Jones came out of nowhere to shock the world (OK, maybe just the Bucco fans who noticed) last season. Can he do the same in this tournament? Well, since it'd be a shock to the world if it even happened, we say 'why not?'
- It's just impossible for us to imagine Pujols not being dominant at something, so he's an easy choice. As for Wainwright, guess how tall he is? Did you say 6'6'' or less? Well, then you must not've been paying attention earlier.
Arizona Diamondbacks: Justin Upton and Dan Haren
- Upton is perhaps one of the best athletes in the entire league despite being only 22, so we kinda have to include him. The DBacks don't boast anyone that stands 6'7'' or taller, so we went with Haren, who for some reason, just looks like a guy who has some nice post moves and can hit a jumper. We wouldn't quarrel if you opted for Stephen Drew, though. We would quarrel if you chose Adam LaRoche.
- Fowler is a great athlete with speed to burn, which is a nice plus considering that he's 6'4''. Reynolds is the magical six-feet-seven-inches tall, which not coincidentally is also how tall Adam Wainwright is. You know, in case you got it wrong last time.
- Kemp has a good blend of speed and size, and shares a surname with one of the more infamous power forwards to lace up high tops, so he's like a guaranteed star in this business. Broxton...well, we picked Broxton because we want to watch a 6'4'' 300-lb man play the post. Afford us some small such luxuries, won't you?
- Kyle Blanks is 6'6'', weighs nearly 300 pounds, and rocks a mean afro. It seems unfair to the other teams to pair him with anyone but The Grand Poohbah of Grit.
- Lincecum's manic energy and hair bring hopes that he can be a latter-day Steve Nash Which then raises the question - can someone be the latter-day version of another person who's still active? Sandoval is the only real bat on this team, so he's the muscle to back up Lincecum's small frame. Who cares if he's only 5'11' 240 or so? You can't leave off the Panda.
So there you have it. We've got all the rosters, so clearly soon it's time for the games to begin.
We really need Spring Training to start soon.
1/19/10
MLB Jam: AL Edition
Well, this started as a post that was going to compile information about all the arbitration-eligible players in the league, like what they were being offered/countering with, what they signed for, etc. After all, a lot happens very quickly around this time of year. But then we found out that the indispensable Cot's Baseball Contracts is already doing just that. Sometimes, we just don't know why we bother.
But in any event we went through the trouble of logging in here, so, hey, might as well write something, right? A couple of days ago, over at our other gig on MLB Notebook, we briefly tossed out the idea of creating an MLB version of NBA Jam - hence the goofy title of this post. At the time, we weren't really sure how such a thing would work. Should we pick the two guys who'd be best at hoops, or the most representative players of the team regardless of hooping ability? If we did consider basketball skills, was there any chance that we could avoid charges of racism*? Should we look at baseball skills?
*Short answer: certainly not. Longer answer: certainly not, but it's not like we've got an enormous readership clamoring for controversy.
With no real answer in sight, we decided that this was probably a pretty silly idea. But then!
Well, no, there is no but then! moment. We're still fairly sure this is a dumb idea. But we're going to try to play it relatively straight, and pick the two guys who we think would make for a decent 2-on-2 team from each team's 40-man roster. Will it work? Well, that's for you to decide.
AL East
Baltimore Orioles: Matt Wieters and Brian Matusz
AL Central
Chicago White Sox: Brent Lillibridge and John Danks
AL West
Los Angeles Angels: Jered Weaver and Reggie Willits
Oakland Athletics: Jack Cust and Jerry Blevins
So there you have it. Feel free to let us know if you can think of better choices for any of the spots - we promise we won't be offended. Oh, and stay tuned for the NL version at some point in the near future. We hope.
But in any event we went through the trouble of logging in here, so, hey, might as well write something, right? A couple of days ago, over at our other gig on MLB Notebook, we briefly tossed out the idea of creating an MLB version of NBA Jam - hence the goofy title of this post. At the time, we weren't really sure how such a thing would work. Should we pick the two guys who'd be best at hoops, or the most representative players of the team regardless of hooping ability? If we did consider basketball skills, was there any chance that we could avoid charges of racism*? Should we look at baseball skills?
*Short answer: certainly not. Longer answer: certainly not, but it's not like we've got an enormous readership clamoring for controversy.
With no real answer in sight, we decided that this was probably a pretty silly idea. But then!
Well, no, there is no but then! moment. We're still fairly sure this is a dumb idea. But we're going to try to play it relatively straight, and pick the two guys who we think would make for a decent 2-on-2 team from each team's 40-man roster. Will it work? Well, that's for you to decide.
AL East
Baltimore Orioles: Matt Wieters and Brian Matusz
- Sliced bread, of course, is the greatest thing since Matt Wieters, and if Matusz can toss entry passes like a baseball, this team could get by on some Stockton/Malone mojo. They'll be a bit 'tweener-sized, since both are 6'5'', but they might be a nice darkhorse.
- The Sox are just not a very tall team - Dustin Richardson (whom we've never heard of ) is the tallest at 6'6''. So we're gonna go small ball with this team - Ellsbury's legs will play well at the point, and Pedroia seems like that annoying bastard at the Y who plays dirty and hits enough shots to feel secure in taunting everyone about it.
- Brackman is at least 6'10'' (he was listed at 7'0'' in the Cape Cod League) so he's a natural choice to be the big man for the Yankee squad. And have you ever seen a fat man play basketball who doesn't hit shots like it's his job? We haven't. And we're writing this. So there.
- Crawford gets the nod over the uber-athletic Desmond Jennings because he's got about 40 pounds on the guy. Niemann makes it because he's 6'9''. We also considered Matt Garza because of the aforementioned douche-factor that got Pedroia a spot, but we decided that Garza's more like the kind of guy that people on his own team resent during pickup games.
- We know it looks like this team will suck. But Jason Frasor's brother, Bobby Frasor, is the point guard at North Carolina, and Rzepczynski has a first-rate fitness program. So all we're saying here is that this team could be a dark horse.
AL Central
Chicago White Sox: Brent Lillibridge and John Danks
- "Baby Face" Brent Lillibridge is on the team because he looks sort of incredibly fragile, so he'll be able to draw plenty of charging calls against the bigger, badder teams. Danks' brother, Jordan, is an excellent athlete in center field, so maybe big bro John was blessed with some of that, too. What we're saying is, it's slim pickings on this team.
- We're going big with these guys. Carmona, a 6'5'' sinkerballer, should be able to throw a mean bounce pass - assuming he doesn't miss wildly every time. Masterson's 6'6'', and that's literally the only reason we can think of to put him on here. But unless Shin-Soo Choo has some Jeremy Lin in him, we're sort of at a loss for the rest of these guys.
- Couple of tall young guns here. We figure that since they're a pair of starting pitchers, they both spend plenty of their copious downtime with one another, and so have a good chemistry. Now let's all start pretending that "chemistry" has still never been used to settle an issue on this here blog.
- Sorry, but when a team is fielding two of the worst regular players in the league, they sort of have to be on the same team together. But, hey, at least Kendall has that Veteran Presence, eh? Let's just hope he doesn't break an ankle.
- Sort of the same reasoning here as with the Orioles...what, exactly, can't Joe Mauer do? And would Pat Neshek's sidearm game translate to roundball? And has anyone ever won a game while listening to Livin' on a Prayer? Stay tuned!
AL West
Los Angeles Angels: Jered Weaver and Reggie Willits
- Weaver, at 6'7'', would be one of the tallest players in this silly little contest. Willits has himself a speedy pair of legs, and since the other choices were the oft-injured Howie Kendrick and old Bobby Abreu, we took Willits. Though it would be funny to watch Fernando Rodney repeatedly throw chest passes into the crowd...that is, if he's not still standing on the mound in the Metrodome.
Oakland Athletics: Jack Cust and Jerry Blevins
- Cust's Three True Outcomes game at the plate clearly translates to the hardcourt like so: HR -> slam dunk; BB -> puppy two-footer; K -> missed three-pointer. Not the worst guy in the world to have on your team. Blevins is 6'6''. We're starting to see that size is something of a premium in MLB, so instead of going with the speedier Eric Patterson or Rajai Davis, we're gonna pick height. This is gonna be a plodding team, so for their sake, we may have to play half-court.
- Would you want to foul Bradley and get him angry? That's what we thought. And Gutierrez - a.k.a. Death to Flying Things - would clearly pull down every rebound in sight, and probably block a few shots as well.
- We're dipping into the defense theme again with Andrus, but Cruz is the real threat here. He's a stocky guy, at 230, but he's also got speed to burn, having stolen 20 bases last season.
So there you have it. Feel free to let us know if you can think of better choices for any of the spots - we promise we won't be offended. Oh, and stay tuned for the NL version at some point in the near future. We hope.
1/11/10
Hey, Mark McGwire Did Steroids!
Let us preface all of this by saying that we are shocked - SHOCKED! - that this could be the truth. And in fact it inspired us to write a nice long piece.
Just kidding. Here's our old reaction to Sammy Sosa being fingered as a steroid guy. Just replace all the instances of Sosa with McGwire, and skip the part talking the A-Rod report, and you'll be all set. KCSD: your home for intrepid, inspired baseball writing!
Just kidding. Here's our old reaction to Sammy Sosa being fingered as a steroid guy. Just replace all the instances of Sosa with McGwire, and skip the part talking the A-Rod report, and you'll be all set. KCSD: your home for intrepid, inspired baseball writing!
1/7/10
Thoughts on the Hall of Fame
So, as you probably know, the BaseBall Writers Association of America (looks funny when you do it that way, eh, BBWAA?) today saw their votes for the Hall of Fame bear their respective fruit. And, after all is said and done, we end up with the induction of...Andre Dawson!
Now, first of all, it's important to extend all due congratulations to The Hawk. He was a great player, and while we wouldn't have voted for him, I wouldn't argue too fiercely against anyone who did. Unless I was feeling particularly punchy. But that aside, Dawson was a prodigious combination of power and speed, and by all accounts could play the field as well as anyone in those days. He's one of three players ever (Barry Bonds, Willie Mays) to hit 400 bleacher treats and steal 300 bases, he had the respect of his peers (8 Gold Gloves, 4 Silver Sluggers), and won an MVP award. Plus, he was a Cubbie favorite, which means we grew up in a house that adored him.
So why, then would we have refrained from voting him in? Well, it comes down to one simple number: .323. That's The Hawk's career OBP. Let us put that in context for you: Kelly Johnson, a second baseman whom the Braves recently saw fit to non-tender, has a career .346 OBP. That's right - a gentleman whose OBP is 23 points higher than a current HOFer was apparently undeserving of a job with a team that could certainly use his services. It rather goes without saying that Dawson's .323 mark is the lowest OBP of any outfielder in the Hall - and, in fact, is 20 points lower than Lou Brock (who made the Hall for his base-stealing ability).
Now, again, the point of this post is not to deride the BBWAA for putting Dawson in. He had his moments, and they've certainly made worse decisions. No, the point of this post is to deride them for those worse decisions.
Let us first ask: how do you not vote Roberto Alomar in? A .300/.371/.443 line and a 119 OPS+ is great for anyone, but for a slick-fielding second baseman, it's incredible. A second baseman who, if you prefer counting stats, had over 2,700 hits, 210 homers, and nearly 500 stolen bases is a shoo-in. And yet, Alomar fell short. Why? It's almost certainly because writers are still clinging to this - and we cannot emphasize this enough - moronic idea that a player who isn't on Lou Gehrig's level isn't a first-ballot Hall of Famer. Oh...we're sorry...Lou Gehrig wasn't even a first ballot guy. Honestly, times like these make us wonder why we even bother caring about who makes the Hall, since the process is so clearly flawed.
And then we stop to consider the case of Bert Blyleven and...well, we get even more incensed. Here you have a guy who struck out 3,701 batters. He threw more shutouts than Pedro Martinez, Roy Halladay, Chris Carpenter, and CC Sabathia...combined. And the 8 players who rank ahead of him on the shutouts list are all in the Hall, as are the 13 pitchers behind him. He threw more innings than all but 13 pitchers in history, and you don't get to log that many innings without being outstanding. He boasts a stellar 2.8 career K:BB ratio, and placed in the top 10 in WHIP 11 times. But we'd like to go back to the stat with which we led off this paragraph - HE STRUCK OUT 3,701 BATTERS. 3,000 strikeouts, like 300 wins or 500 homers is one of those stats that's thrown around as an 'automatic entry' number. So why in the hell do writers think that the argument for Blyleven is merely that of SABRheads who don't care for old-fashioned stats? Why are they disregarding his enormous strikeout total and 287 wins? The word that's often thrown around is "compiler," and to steal from Buzz Bissinger (sorry, Buzz...we really like your work!), that just pisses the shit out of us.
Look, if a guy is going to "compile" stats, that means that he has to hang around long enough to do so. You want an example of a compiler? Look at Hank Aaron, who "compiled" 755 home runs? Did Nolan Ryan "compile" 5,714 strikeouts? Did Cy Young "compile" 511 wins? You're goddamn right they did. And so did everyone else who ever played the game of baseball and had their numbers recorded. That's the very definition of "compile." Now, we understand that baseball writers mean "compiler" in the sense that the players weren't great, but were merely hanging around as average-to-below-average contributors in order to add meaningless numbers to their counting stats. But even if that is the case, HoF-caliber players who are doing the hanging around act (cough...McGriff...cough) are doing so to try to meet the BBWAA's arbitrary definition of what makes a Hall of Famer.
Truth be told, it's nigh-impossible to understand exactly what thought process makes these writers vote the way they do. They eschew the sensibility that modern statistics provide us in order to stand by some misguided "gut judgment" of who is and who isn't a Hall of Famer...and if we're being honest, that's a simple abuse of their privileges. They aren't relying on the best possible information, but rather their own flawed, subjective ideas about who is the best and who isn't. Unless it's for reasons of pure hubris, we cannot fathom any reason why they would ignore statistical evidence in favor of their opinions. Why would you want to put yourself out there as an ignorant dullard who can bestow Baseball's highest honor upon undeserving players yet chooses to forgo understanding modern player evaluation?
Consider that food for thought, if not a call for a revolution in the voting system. The writers simply are not doing their job properly. They aren't treating their privileges with the respect they deserve; instead, they are content to get into pissing contests with dissenters and rely on their position as "Baseball Writer" to quell the arguments. It is, frankly, irresponsible and irrational - and that's without even getting us started on Tim Raines, Edgar Martinez, and Alan Trammell. All we want is for the BBWAA to wise up and embrace the way things are in today's world. Embrace the fact that we have better ways of evaluating players than thinking back on that one time we saw that one guy play and he hit a double and ran really hard. Embrace the fact that players' careers are a matter of public record, and that the people at large will know when you make indefensible choices. And embrace the fact that, if you choose to get into the aforementioned pissing contests, that your dissenters are better-informed (better-endowed, to continue the metaphor) than you. In short, wise up and appreciate these players as is your duty.
Now, first of all, it's important to extend all due congratulations to The Hawk. He was a great player, and while we wouldn't have voted for him, I wouldn't argue too fiercely against anyone who did. Unless I was feeling particularly punchy. But that aside, Dawson was a prodigious combination of power and speed, and by all accounts could play the field as well as anyone in those days. He's one of three players ever (Barry Bonds, Willie Mays) to hit 400 bleacher treats and steal 300 bases, he had the respect of his peers (8 Gold Gloves, 4 Silver Sluggers), and won an MVP award. Plus, he was a Cubbie favorite, which means we grew up in a house that adored him.
So why, then would we have refrained from voting him in? Well, it comes down to one simple number: .323. That's The Hawk's career OBP. Let us put that in context for you: Kelly Johnson, a second baseman whom the Braves recently saw fit to non-tender, has a career .346 OBP. That's right - a gentleman whose OBP is 23 points higher than a current HOFer was apparently undeserving of a job with a team that could certainly use his services. It rather goes without saying that Dawson's .323 mark is the lowest OBP of any outfielder in the Hall - and, in fact, is 20 points lower than Lou Brock (who made the Hall for his base-stealing ability).
Now, again, the point of this post is not to deride the BBWAA for putting Dawson in. He had his moments, and they've certainly made worse decisions. No, the point of this post is to deride them for those worse decisions.
Let us first ask: how do you not vote Roberto Alomar in? A .300/.371/.443 line and a 119 OPS+ is great for anyone, but for a slick-fielding second baseman, it's incredible. A second baseman who, if you prefer counting stats, had over 2,700 hits, 210 homers, and nearly 500 stolen bases is a shoo-in. And yet, Alomar fell short. Why? It's almost certainly because writers are still clinging to this - and we cannot emphasize this enough - moronic idea that a player who isn't on Lou Gehrig's level isn't a first-ballot Hall of Famer. Oh...we're sorry...Lou Gehrig wasn't even a first ballot guy. Honestly, times like these make us wonder why we even bother caring about who makes the Hall, since the process is so clearly flawed.
And then we stop to consider the case of Bert Blyleven and...well, we get even more incensed. Here you have a guy who struck out 3,701 batters. He threw more shutouts than Pedro Martinez, Roy Halladay, Chris Carpenter, and CC Sabathia...combined. And the 8 players who rank ahead of him on the shutouts list are all in the Hall, as are the 13 pitchers behind him. He threw more innings than all but 13 pitchers in history, and you don't get to log that many innings without being outstanding. He boasts a stellar 2.8 career K:BB ratio, and placed in the top 10 in WHIP 11 times. But we'd like to go back to the stat with which we led off this paragraph - HE STRUCK OUT 3,701 BATTERS. 3,000 strikeouts, like 300 wins or 500 homers is one of those stats that's thrown around as an 'automatic entry' number. So why in the hell do writers think that the argument for Blyleven is merely that of SABRheads who don't care for old-fashioned stats? Why are they disregarding his enormous strikeout total and 287 wins? The word that's often thrown around is "compiler," and to steal from Buzz Bissinger (sorry, Buzz...we really like your work!), that just pisses the shit out of us.
Look, if a guy is going to "compile" stats, that means that he has to hang around long enough to do so. You want an example of a compiler? Look at Hank Aaron, who "compiled" 755 home runs? Did Nolan Ryan "compile" 5,714 strikeouts? Did Cy Young "compile" 511 wins? You're goddamn right they did. And so did everyone else who ever played the game of baseball and had their numbers recorded. That's the very definition of "compile." Now, we understand that baseball writers mean "compiler" in the sense that the players weren't great, but were merely hanging around as average-to-below-average contributors in order to add meaningless numbers to their counting stats. But even if that is the case, HoF-caliber players who are doing the hanging around act (cough...McGriff...cough) are doing so to try to meet the BBWAA's arbitrary definition of what makes a Hall of Famer.
Truth be told, it's nigh-impossible to understand exactly what thought process makes these writers vote the way they do. They eschew the sensibility that modern statistics provide us in order to stand by some misguided "gut judgment" of who is and who isn't a Hall of Famer...and if we're being honest, that's a simple abuse of their privileges. They aren't relying on the best possible information, but rather their own flawed, subjective ideas about who is the best and who isn't. Unless it's for reasons of pure hubris, we cannot fathom any reason why they would ignore statistical evidence in favor of their opinions. Why would you want to put yourself out there as an ignorant dullard who can bestow Baseball's highest honor upon undeserving players yet chooses to forgo understanding modern player evaluation?
Consider that food for thought, if not a call for a revolution in the voting system. The writers simply are not doing their job properly. They aren't treating their privileges with the respect they deserve; instead, they are content to get into pissing contests with dissenters and rely on their position as "Baseball Writer" to quell the arguments. It is, frankly, irresponsible and irrational - and that's without even getting us started on Tim Raines, Edgar Martinez, and Alan Trammell. All we want is for the BBWAA to wise up and embrace the way things are in today's world. Embrace the fact that we have better ways of evaluating players than thinking back on that one time we saw that one guy play and he hit a double and ran really hard. Embrace the fact that players' careers are a matter of public record, and that the people at large will know when you make indefensible choices. And embrace the fact that, if you choose to get into the aforementioned pissing contests, that your dissenters are better-informed (better-endowed, to continue the metaphor) than you. In short, wise up and appreciate these players as is your duty.
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