MLB Jam: Final Four

Only four teams remain in this epic battle of the basketballing baseballers! The wheat has been separated from the chaff, the cream has risen to the top, and so on and so forth. In the AL side, it's a showdown of epic proportions between Joe Mauer's Twins and Matt Wieters' Orioles; in the Senior Circuit, Matt Kemp's Dodgers and Ryan Howard's Phillies were the NL's top dogs last season. Will the Dodgers make up for their playoff failings? Will the Phillies add another (imaginary) trophy to their mantle? Will the Mauer/Wieters showdown leave us all too utterly in awe to even tell you about it? Those answers, and more, are coming right up. As always, games to 21, 2's and 3's, call own fouls, and let's get a champ ee yun ship game squared away!

Game 1: (5) Minnesota Twins vs. (13) Baltimore Orioles
Players: Joe Mauer/Pat Neshek vs. Matt Wieters/Brian Matusz


The Orioles are the lowest seed to advance this far in tournament history (admittedly, perhaps not the most impressive record), and have done so on the strength of Matt Wieters' phenomenal swag. The Twins have overcome a pair of formidable title contenders (Rangers, Yankees) because of Joe Mauer's dominance. We don't mind saying that this has been the most hotly anticipated pairing of the tournament; it's a regular ratings bonanza (relatively speaking). And from the outset, neither team disappoints. It's a flurry of stunning crossovers, no-look assists, clean jumpers, and lockdown defense. Paradoxical? Maybe. Entertaining? You bet. The game stays deadlocked most of the way, until the Orioles start to pull ahead late as Matusz asserts his dominance over Neshek. The O's jump to a 19-16 lead, but Mauer ties it up from 3 after a crazy side-armed assist from Neshek that snakes through the legs of the unsuspecting Matusz. Tied 19-19, and unwilling to go through another epic showdown like they just had against, the Orioles were in a crucial spot. But there's a reason why Matt Wieters already has a Hall of Fame plaque and Joe Mauer doesn't. The thunderous game-winning alley-oop that he throws down isn't that reason, but it's pretty indicative, no? Orioles win, 21-19.

Game 2: (1) Los Angeles Dodgers vs. (2) Philadelphia Phillies
Players: Matt Kemp/Jon Broxton vs. Shane Victorino/Ryan Howard


These may be the top two seeds, but they certainly got here in strange ways. The Phillies won one game by virtue of playing only against 5'6'' Danny Ray-Herrera and another by the Rockies' rulebook recklessness, while the Dodgers advanced last round because of Matt Kemp's midget stripper. What we're saying is, this could go either way. The Dodgers size advantage seems to hurt them early, as Victorino, seemingly unencumbered by the ceremonial lei he's been insisting on wearing, darts around nimbly as ever, finishing around the rim and from the perimeter with equal aplomb. Kemp heats up from deep, though, draining a couple of three-pointers to put the Dodgers right back in it. Howard and Broxton wage a battle for the ages down on the blocks, trading subtle elbows and jostling constantly. Hook shots and drop step-layups abound from down around the basket, until as with the earlier game, we stand deadlocked at 19. Victorino had been somewhat quiet, seemingly worn down, but he turned on the jets and streaked past a flatfooted Kemp on the way to the hole...only to find himself yanked to the ground by the lei mid-triumphant dunk. FOUL! Which we don't remember, exactly, but we think that's the first one called. The crowd goes hushed, but applauds as Victorino gets up and heads to the line for his potentially game-clinching free throws...and of course sinks them both. But don't get too excited, Phillies fans - he celebrated by popping his new t-shirt line that he's been wearing to games. Sweet shirt, bro. Phillies win, 21-19.


Well, well, well, a couple of thrillers there! O's and Phitins for the 'ship...not too shabby if we say so ourselves. Let us play you out with the bracket to date:

MLB Jam: AL Round 2

Well we're through a full round of action in the vaunted MLB Jam tournament, so the field's starting to get whittled down (as opposed to the tournaments where more teams join as it goes on). Today is the first time that our top 2 seeds in the AL will get to take the court, as the Yankees and Angels were off cooling their heels while their potential opponents scrapped to the bitter end. Will they be too rusty to play up to their lofty ranking? ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT! You know the rules by now - games to 21, 2's and 3's, win by 2, call own fouls AND WE'RE OFF.

Game 1: (1) New York Yankees vs. (8) Tampa Bay Rays
Players: Andrew Brackman/CC Sabathia vs. Carl Crawford/Jeff Niemann


The Yankees have an enormous size advantage here, as Brackman is somewhere from 6'10'' - 7'0'' and Sabathia is...well, girthy. Crawford's the only real speedster on the court, though, so the Rays have that going for them. Unfortunately, it's not enough, as Sabathia displays the vaunted fat-guy-at-the-Y accuracy from deep that even today boggles the minds of our top scientific minds (or maybe just us) and goes on a 3-point spree that buries any hope the Rays had of upsetting the old guard. Yankees win, 21-12.


Game 2: (4) Texas Rangers vs. (5) Minnesota Twins
Players: Nelson Cruz/Elvis Andrus vs. Joe Mauer/Pat Neshek


Mauer Pauer, baby. The be-sideburned one celebrates the imminent signing of his 7 or 8 or 10 year deal by going buck wild on the formidable Rangers duo, nullifying the Rangers' significant size/athleticism advantages. There's just really  nothing you can do when he decides to turn it on like that, we guess. And, like last time, Mr. Neshek is permitted by the graces of Mr. Mauer to score a bucket...but only one. Twins win, 21-8.


Game 3: (14) Baltimore Orioles vs. (11) Toronto Blue Jays
Players: Matt Wieters/Brian Matusz vs. Mark Rzepczynski/Jason Frasor


We don't know what it is about supremely talented young catchers that inspires so much fanbole, but we're totally buying in. Much like with the Mauer Pauer Hauer that was on display in Game 2, Matt Wieters takes it upon himself to thoroughly dominate the Jays, despite their basketball pedigree (Frasor's brother) and superior fitness (Sztep with Rzep) (we can't believe he's not made that a real venture yet. There's money to be had, Mark!), and the O's cruise to a victory. The Wieters/Mauer showdown can't be far! Orioles win, 21-11.


Game 4: (7) Seattle Mariners vs. (2) Los Angeles Angels
Players: Milton Bradley/Franklin Gutierrez vs. Jered Weaver/Reggie Willits


The Mariners got by in Round 1 by virtue of the fact that everyone was terrified to foul Milton Bradley and Franklin Gutierrez utilized his defensive wizardry to haul down rebounds and block shots by the metric ton (just kidding...we don't use the metric system here). And, well, Jered Weaver and Reggie Willits aren't exactly the type to mess with that formula. Weaver's got the height, but his surfer bro mentality relegates him to outside shots and soft D, while Willits' speed proves of minimal effectiveness since Weaver never lets him have the ball - much like Mike Scioscia never lets him play. Remember what we said about fake sports imitating real life? Yeah. It's a bitch, huh, Reggie? Mariners win, 21-16.




So after the top half of the bracket went all chalk on us, we have the pleasure of a 7/14 matchup in the 3rd round. Such things will happen when the seedings are established entirely independently of actual basketball talent, we suppose, but either way it's kind of neat. Anyway, it's time for the updated bracket, and you can expect the NL's 2nd round either tomorrow or Friday depending on how motivated we get.

MLB Jam: NL 1st Round

After an action-packed first day of the epic tournament known far and wide as MLB Jam - and hopefully MLB Properties doesn't sue me for calling it that! - it's time for the senior circuit to have their day of first-round glory. And, hey, it comes on their 134th birthday! We've never been fond of postponing birthday celebrations, so let's get right to the hoopin' action. Games to 21, 2's and 3's, win by 2, call own fouls and we're off!

Game 1: (1) Los Angeles Dodgers vs. (16) Washington Nationals
Players: Matt Kemp/Jon Broxton vs. Adam Dunn/Nyjer Morgan


This game is probably the closest 1/16 matchup that's ever happened. You're essentially looking at the same team - Kemp and Morgan and Broxton and Dunn are essentially analogs. Morgan's got a big more speed than Kemp, but Broxton has a size (both height and weight) advantage on Dunn. Ultimately, though, we think Kemp channels some LeBron and drives the lane for a game-winner over Morgan. Dodgers win 21-19.


Game 2: (8) Chicago Cubs vs. (9) Milwaukee Brewers
Players: Carlos Zambrano/Sean Marshall vs. Carlos Gomez/Yovani Gallardo


Lots of Latin flavor in this matchup! Zambrano and Marshall are a fairly plodding group, while Gomez is one of the fastest players in the league. We think Gomez does a little A.I. impression, scampering all over the court underneath and around Big Z and Medium M. Yovani hits a three-ball here and there to keep them balanced, and the Brewers cruise. Brewers win 21-14.


Game 3: (4) St. Louis Cardinals vs. (13) New York Mets
Players: Albert Pujols/Adam Wainwright vs. Gary Matthews, Jr/Mike Pelfrey


Matthews is old and washed-up and Pelfrey is tall. Pujols is a Hall of Famer in his prime and Wainwright is tall. You can guess what happens here. Cardinals win 21-6.


Game 4: (5) San Francisco Giants vs. (12) Houston Astros
Players: Pablo Sandoval/Tim Lincecum vs. Michael Bourn/Evan Engelbrook


Shocking that the Giants pulled a 5 seed, we know. Also shocking is the inclusion of Engelbrook, whose existence remains unconfirmed to us. But if the man exists, he stands a whopping 6'8'', which we're fairly sure (we don't believe in research, so you can fact check this yourself) is taller than Sandoval and Lincecum put together. Plus, neither Sandoval nor Lincecum is capable of keeping up with Bourn's wheels. And, if you like cheap shot jokes, feel free to imagine Lincecum taking a mid-game smoke break then partaking in a team buffet with the Panda. Whether you do or not, the game doesn't go well for the Giants. Astros win, 21-10.


Game 5: (3) Colorado Rockies vs. (14) Arizona Diamondbacks
Players: Dexter Fowler/Greg Reynolds vs. Justin Upton/Dan Haren


Another matchup where the two teams are very even. Fowler and Upton are both uber-athletic guys, and Reynolds and Haren are both commanding post presences. Well, you know, for purposes of this game, they are. Buuut the Rockies do enjoy a size advantage here, with the 6'4'' Fowler and 6'7'' Reynolds both standing taller than their respective analogs, which is the difference in a tight contest. Rockies win, 21-17.


Game 6: (6) Florida Marlins vs. (11) San Diego Padres
Players: Josh Johnson/Sean West vs. Kyle Blanks/David Eckstein


The Marlins are, collectively, the tallest team in this contest by a long shot, with their guys measuring in at 6'7'' and 6'8'' respectgively. Blanks, however, is also 6'7'' and is relatively speedy for a 300 pounder. Plus...he's got an afro that clearly channels the spirit of Dr. J. Shockingly, the modestly-sized-if-we're-being-kind Eckstein grits and grinds and hustles his way to 15 of the team's 21 points, and dives for no fewer than 26 loose balls. What a gamer, that guy. Makes even us abandon the height favoritism we showed in just the last capsule we wrote. Padres win, 22-18.


Game 7: (7) Atlanta Braves vs. (10) Cincinnati Reds
Players: Tommy Hanson/Yunel Escobar vs. Danny Ray-Herrera/Willy Taveras/Chris Sabo


Ooof...and this is why you don't set lineups early. Since Taveras was traded - and DFA'd - yesterday, he is no longer eligible to play. But then! Just when DRH is getting ready to play singlehanded, who should walk through the door but Chris Sabo! The onetime Red with the goofy goggles, Sabo's inspiring entrance completely deflates the Braves squad - particularly since the goggles rend Sabo invincible to Escobar's mounting frustrations and cheap shots. Esco eventually storms off the court in anger, leaving Hanson to fend for himself. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't go well. Reds win, 21-11.


Game 8: (2) Philadelphia Phillies vs. (15) Pittsburgh Pirates
Players: Shane Victorino/Ryan Howard vs. Andrew McCutchen/Garrett Jones


Easily the most entertaining contest of the first round, Victorino and McCutchen trade running floaters and in the lane and dazzling moves on the perimeter while Howard and Jones counter with jump hooks, ferocious dunks, and powerfully swatted shots. Victorino earns his nickname in overtime, though, as the Hawaiian-bred baller flies over McCutchen's head for a posterizing finish to an epic battle. Phillies win, 30-27.


So let's check out that bracket now:

Lookin good! And a couple of big upsets, to boot - how 'bout that Eckstein fellow! First round MVP, eh? Tomorrow we'll have a couple of exciting divisional matchups in the AL side...can the upstart Rays topple the formidable Yankees? Can Seattle dethrone the Angels? We'll be on hand to tell you exactly what happens in those battles and more!

MLB Jam: Bracket and AL Round 1

Perhaps because we have entirely too much time on our hands or perhaps because, hey, who doesn't like brackets?, we've now made a bracket for the MLB Jam business we've been bandying on about around these parts. Seeding was determined based on the team's performance relative to their league; the Yankees, for example, are the 1 seed in the AL because they had the AL's best record. Oh, and they get a bye (as do the Angels) because there're 14 teams in the American League for reasons unbeknownst to us...but at least it's easier to make brackets for 14 and 16 team leagues instead of 15. Yikes. Can you even imagine? And then, of course, we're going to play out this imaginary tournament. Because that's how committed we are to our readers (especially the one from Korea! Hi!). Here're the AL's first 6 games, after which our shiny new bracket will be unveiled! Rules: games to 21, 2's and 3's, win by 2, call your own fouls. Whee!

Game 1: (8) Tampa Bay Rays vs. (9) Chicago White Sox
The players:  Carl Crawford/Jeff Niemann vs. Brent Lillibridge and John Danks

It looks like this game features an egregious underseed in the Rays, who boast the athleticism of Carl Crawford and the 6'9''-ism of Jeff Niemann. Anyway, Niemann should easily handle Danks down low, but Lillibridge's strategy of falling over and calling a foul every time Crawford gets close to him keeps the Sox in the game...for awhile. Eventually, Crawford stops playing any offense whatsoever and just passes to Niemann for the easy buckets. Rays win, 21-16.

Game 2:  (4) Texas Rangers vs. (13) Kansas City Royals
The players: Nelson Cruz/Elvis Andrus vs. Yuniesky Betancourt/Jason Kendall

Erm...it seems odd to call a team at 13 an overseed, but, well, we did sort of intentionally make them the worst pairing in the tournament. So, we mean, come on, who picks these seeds? The Rangers are small, but the Royals are bad. Fans of first-round upsets (see also: people who enjoy puppies and sunshine) should avoid their eyes. Rangers win, 21-2 (Yuni lucked into an easy putback, much the same way he's been lucking into major league employment).

Game 3: (5) Minnesota Twins vs. (12) Cleveland Indians
The players: Joe Mauer/Pat Neshek vs. Fausto Carmona/Justin Masterson

This game could be close despite the presence of Joe Mauer since the Indians boast a sizable size advantage. We need to pick our adjectives better. Anyway, Fausto's run at the point starts out looking promising, as he threads the needle with some gorgeous passes, and shows deadly accuracy from 3 point land. But then, in a tragic case of fake sports imitating real sports, his control goes horribly awry - and Justin Masterson alone is no match for Joe Mauer. And, yes, Pat Neshek managed to score some points - but only because Mauer encouraged him to so he wouldn't feel bad. Twins win, 21-15.

Game 4: (3) Boston Red Sox vs. (14) Baltimore Orioles
The players: Dustin Pedroia/Jacoby Ellsbury vs. Matt Wieters/Brian Matusz

The chemistry of Wieters and Matusz stands in stark contrast to the constant bickering happening on the Red Sox squad, as Ellsbury (presumably a decent human being) can't stand Pedroia. Their arguments are punctuated by Pedroia making an Indian joke at Ellsbury's expense, followed by Ellsbury firing a bullet pass at Pedroia's head. Since Pedroia can't catch up with the high-n-in fastball, the ball catches him squarely in the nose, and the game is promptly called so the court can be mopped up. Wieters saves his inevitable heroics for another day. Orioles win by default, 9-5.  

Game 5: (6) Detroit Tigers vs. (11) Toronto Blue Jays
The players:  Justin Verlander/Rick Porcello vs. Mark Rzepczynski/Jason Frasor

Hey, an all-pitcher battle! Neat! Porcello and Verlander are tall, but as pitchers, are barely even athletes. Jason Frasor, as a pitcher, is barely an athlete, but he's got the Bobby Frasor Basketball Blood (that's how these things work, right?) and Rzep of course, bucks the trend by being in phenomenal shape. Blue Jays win, 21-10.

Game 6: (7) Seattle Mariners vs. (10) Oakland A's
The players: Milton Bradley/Franklin Gutierrez vs. Jack Cust/Jerry Blevins

Bradley, as predicted, goes the entire game without being fouled once, since Cust and Blevins are both terrified of him. With Bradley free to drive the lane every time and Gutierrez corralling every rebound and tip and swatting shots left and right, the Mariners make this game is a laugher - especially when Cust stops to take a smoke break midway through the game. Hi-larious, we tell you. Mariners win, 21-4.



Not exactly the most exciting first round, but, hey, a 14 over a 3 always makes for good fun!  Plus, we don't know about you, but the bracket just warms the heart anyway - which is certainly welcome in the frigid February days.

MLB Jam: NL Edition

If you somehow managed to miss the first installation of this little feature, you can find it here. Or, you know, just scroll down. Either way. We'll wait.

Ok, now that you've memorized the AL rosters, let's jump in to the NL. Again, these teams are going to be the two individuals on each NL team who would best represent their club in a 2-on-2 basketball showdown.

NL East
 Atlanta Braves:  Tommy Hanson and Yunel Escobar

• Hanson checks in at 6'6'', 220, so he'll be the muscle on the team. Escobar has a reputation for being a bit of a firebrand that doesn't much get along with people, so he'll be the aggressive, Kobe-style player. Competitive streaks like that can mean a lot in 2-on-2. And, yes, we fully expect this team to lose in the first game.

Florida Marlins: Josh Johnson and Sean West

• The Marlins are going to go with the Two Towers approach. Johnson (6'7'', 250) and West (6'8'', 240) are two of the biggest players in this tournament. Hard to beat that kind of size - and that's leaving off 6'8'' Chris Volstad as well.

New York Mets: Gary Matthews, Jr and Mike Pelfrey

• Sarge the younger has (had?) serious hops  and Pelfrey is 6'7''. We felt it important to go with Pelfrey here since there's a decent chance that a team with Matthews and Jose Reyes would lose by default after both players got hurt five points into the first game.

Philadelphia Phillies: Shane Victorino and Ryan Howard

•  The Flyin' Hawaiian runs the point and Howard bangs in the post. Simple enough - but we also feel like Brad Lidge should be tabbed for any and all potentially game-winning shots. 

Washington Nationals: Adam Dunn and Nyjer Morgan

• If we're going to keep up with the admittedly rather absurd notion that strong outfield defense translates to good floor skills on the hardwood, then Morgan is an obvious choice. And Dunn, of course, is the polar opposite. Hopefully for his sake this is a halfcourt game so he doesn't have to move too terribly much.

NL Central
Chicago Cubs: Carlos Zambrano and Sean Marshall

• Big Z could easily turn into a regrettable pick if he starts doing his pointing-to-the-sky thing after every good play he makes, but he's a good, hefty athlete. Marshall is 6'7'', which at this point is starting to seem like an automatic qualification, but there doesn't appear to be much in the way of guard-sized talent on this team. We're sure the Cubs would love to sign Alfonso Soriano up for this with the hope that he'd get hurt and they could void his contract.

Cincinnati Reds: Daniel Ray-Herrera and Willy Taveras

• We've got the Reds going super small here; Ray-Herrera is listed at 5'6'' which means he's probably even shorter, and Taveras is right around 6'0''. But we're hoping for some Bogues/Webb-esque magic from R-H, and Taveras' speed and defensive abilities are a clear plus. They're gonna have to be dynamite on offense, though, to keep up with the teams that are going to score at will in the paint.

Houston Astros: Michael Bourn and Evan Englebrook

• In the interest of transparency, we'd never heard of Evan Englebrook until we checked the 'Stros 40-man roster. But, well, he's 6'8'', so we're going to assume that failing any non-baseball athletic gifts, he can at least stand in the way of, say, a 5'6'' dude. Bourn is on this squad for his excellent speed, much like Willy Taveras, the man he's replaced in center field for Houston.   

Milwaukee Brewers: Carlos Gomez and Yovani Gallardo

• Gomez is fast, and Gallardo gets the nod because the tall guys don't seem like good options and I like him. Whatever. This is an awful team. You can get 1000/1 odds that Paris Hilton will be elected President in 2012 - you've got a better chance of winning that bet than riding these guys for a championship appearance.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Andrew McCutchen and Garrett Jones

• McCutchen is a phenomenal talent, and Jones came out of nowhere to shock the world (OK, maybe just the Bucco fans who noticed) last season. Can he do the same in this tournament? Well, since it'd be a shock to the world if it even happened, we say 'why not?' 

 St. Louis Cardinals: Albert Pujols and Adam Wainwright

• It's just impossible for us to imagine Pujols not being dominant at something, so he's an easy choice. As for Wainwright, guess how tall he is? Did you say 6'6'' or less? Well, then you must not've been paying attention earlier.  

 NL West
Arizona Diamondbacks: Justin Upton and Dan Haren

• Upton is perhaps one of the best athletes in the entire league despite being only 22, so we kinda have to include him. The DBacks don't boast anyone that stands 6'7'' or taller, so we went with Haren, who for some reason, just looks like a guy who has some nice post moves and can hit a jumper. We wouldn't quarrel if you opted for Stephen Drew, though. We would quarrel if you chose Adam LaRoche. 

 Colorado Rockies: Dexter Fowler and Greg Reynolds

• Fowler is a great athlete with speed to burn, which is a nice plus considering that he's 6'4''. Reynolds is the magical six-feet-seven-inches tall, which not coincidentally is also how tall Adam Wainwright is. You know, in case you got it wrong last time.

Los Angeles Dodgers: Matt Kemp and Jon Broxton

• Kemp has a good blend of speed and size, and shares a surname with one of the more infamous power forwards to lace up high tops, so he's like a guaranteed star in this business. Broxton...well, we picked Broxton because we want to watch a 6'4'' 300-lb man play the post. Afford us some small such luxuries, won't you?

San Diego Padres: David Eckstein and Kyle Blanks

• Kyle Blanks is 6'6'', weighs nearly 300 pounds, and rocks a mean afro. It seems unfair to the other teams to pair him with anyone but The Grand Poohbah of Grit. 

San Francisco Giants: Tim Lincecum and Pablo Sandoval

• Lincecum's manic energy and hair bring hopes that he can be a latter-day Steve Nash Which then raises the question - can someone be the latter-day version of another person who's still active? Sandoval is the only real bat on this team, so he's the muscle to back up Lincecum's small frame. Who cares if he's only 5'11' 240 or so? You can't leave off the Panda. 

So there you have it. We've got all the rosters, so clearly soon it's time for the games to begin.

We really need Spring Training to start soon.
 

MLB Jam: AL Edition

Well, this started as a post that was going to compile information about all the arbitration-eligible players in the league, like what they were being offered/countering with, what they signed for, etc. After all, a lot happens very quickly around this time of year. But then we found out that the indispensable Cot's Baseball Contracts is already doing just that. Sometimes, we just don't know why we bother.

But in any event we went through the trouble of logging in here, so, hey, might as well write something, right? A couple of days ago, over at our other gig on MLB Notebook, we briefly tossed out the idea of creating an MLB version of NBA Jam - hence the goofy title of this post. At the time, we weren't really sure how such a thing would work. Should we pick the two guys who'd be best at hoops, or the most representative players of the team regardless of hooping ability? If we did consider basketball skills, was there any chance that we could avoid charges of racism*? Should we look at baseball skills?

*Short answer: certainly not. Longer answer: certainly not, but it's not like we've got an enormous readership clamoring for controversy.

With no real answer in sight, we decided that this was probably a pretty silly idea. But then!

Well, no, there is no but then! moment. We're still fairly sure this is a dumb idea. But we're going to try to play it relatively straight, and pick the two guys who we think would make for a decent 2-on-2 team from each team's 40-man roster. Will it work? Well, that's for you to decide.

AL East
Baltimore Orioles: Matt Wieters and Brian Matusz

• Sliced bread, of course, is the greatest thing since Matt Wieters, and if Matusz can toss entry passes like a baseball, this team could get by on some Stockton/Malone mojo. They'll be a bit 'tweener-sized, since both are 6'5'', but they might be a nice darkhorse.

Boston Red Sox: Jacoby Ellsbury and Dustin Pedroia 

• The Sox are just not a very tall team - Dustin Richardson (whom we've never heard of ) is the tallest at 6'6''. So we're gonna go small ball with this team - Ellsbury's legs will play well at the point, and Pedroia seems like that annoying bastard at the Y who plays dirty and hits enough shots to feel secure in taunting everyone about it.

New York Yankees: Andrew Brackman and CC Sabathia

• Brackman is at least 6'10'' (he was listed at 7'0'' in the Cape Cod League) so he's a natural choice to be the big man for the Yankee squad. And have you ever seen a fat man play basketball who doesn't hit shots like it's his job? We haven't. And we're writing this. So there.

Tampa Bay Rays: Carl Crawford and Jeff Niemann

• Crawford gets the nod over the uber-athletic Desmond Jennings because he's got about 40 pounds on the guy. Niemann makes it because he's 6'9''. We also considered Matt Garza because of the aforementioned douche-factor that got Pedroia a spot, but we decided that Garza's more like the kind of guy that people on his own team resent during pickup games.

  Toronto Blue Jays: Jason Frasor and Mark Rzepczynski

• We know it looks like this team will suck. But Jason Frasor's brother, Bobby Frasor, is the point guard at North Carolina, and Rzepczynski has a first-rate fitness program. So all we're saying here is that this team could be a dark horse.

AL Central
Chicago White Sox: Brent Lillibridge and John Danks

• "Baby Face" Brent Lillibridge is on the team because he looks sort of incredibly fragile, so he'll be able to draw plenty of charging calls against the bigger, badder teams. Danks' brother, Jordan, is an excellent athlete in center field, so maybe big bro John was blessed with some of that, too. What we're saying is, it's slim pickings on this team.

Cleveland Indians: Fausto Carmona and Justin Masterson

• We're going big with these guys. Carmona, a 6'5'' sinkerballer, should be able to throw a mean bounce pass - assuming he doesn't miss wildly every time. Masterson's 6'6'', and that's literally the only reason we can think of to put him on here. But unless Shin-Soo Choo has some Jeremy Lin in him, we're sort of at a loss for the rest of these guys.

Detroit Tigers: Justin Verlander and Rick Porcello

• Couple of tall young guns here. We figure that since they're a pair of starting pitchers, they both spend plenty of their copious downtime with one another, and so have a good chemistry. Now let's all start pretending that "chemistry" has still never been used to settle an issue on this here blog.  

Kansas City Royals: Yuniesky Betancourt and Jason Kendall

• Sorry, but when a team is fielding two of the worst regular players in the league, they sort of have to be on the same team together. But, hey, at least Kendall has that Veteran Presence, eh? Let's just hope he doesn't break an ankle.

Minnesota Twins: Joe Mauer and Pat Neshek

• Sort of the same reasoning here as with the Orioles...what, exactly, can't Joe Mauer do? And would Pat Neshek's sidearm game translate to roundball? And has anyone ever won a game while listening to Livin' on a Prayer? Stay tuned!

AL West
Los Angeles Angels: Jered Weaver and Reggie Willits

• Weaver, at 6'7'', would be one of the tallest players in this silly little contest. Willits has himself a speedy pair of legs, and since the other choices were the oft-injured Howie Kendrick and old Bobby Abreu, we took Willits. Though it would be funny to watch Fernando Rodney repeatedly throw chest passes into the crowd...that is, if he's not still standing on the mound in the Metrodome.  

Oakland Athletics: Jack Cust and Jerry Blevins

• Cust's Three True Outcomes game at the plate clearly translates to the hardcourt like so: HR -> slam dunk; BB -> puppy two-footer; K -> missed three-pointer. Not the worst guy in the world to have on your team. Blevins is 6'6''. We're starting to see that size is something of a premium in MLB, so instead of going with the speedier Eric Patterson or Rajai Davis, we're gonna pick height. This is gonna be a plodding team, so for their sake, we may have to play half-court. 

Seattle Mariners: Milton Bradley and Franklin Gutierrez

• Would you want to foul Bradley and get him angry? That's what we thought. And Gutierrez - a.k.a. Death to Flying Things - would clearly pull down every rebound in sight, and probably block a few shots as well. 

Texas Rangers: Nelson Cruz and Elvis Andrus

• We're dipping into the defense theme again with Andrus, but Cruz is the real threat here. He's a stocky guy, at 230, but he's also got speed to burn, having stolen 20 bases last season. 

So there you have it. Feel free to let us know if you can think of better choices for any of the spots - we promise we won't be offended. Oh, and stay tuned for the NL version at some point in the near future. We hope.